Does God love me when I’m needy? Of course He does, right? The New Testament has pages filled with this idea. 1 Peter 5: 5-7 is a great example:
But let all of you clothe yourselves with humility towards one another. You see, ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the lowly.’ Humble yourselves, then, under God’s powerful hand, so that he may lift you up at the right time. Throw all your care upon him, because he cares about you.
So, why don’t I ‘throw all my cares on him’? Because I don’t always believe that God loves me in the midst of my neediness. I think that He loves me in the midst of my performance. And He does. I think that He loves me in my strengths. And He does. I think that He loves me when I martyr myself for being involved in some less-than-desirable ministry project. And He does.
But He doesn’t love me — certainly doesn’t want to tend to me when I’m a mess. When I’m anxious because I have no control, He doesn’t want to be around. When I feel the sting of shame because I can’t fix anything, He doesn’t want to deal with that. When I feel sad and downcast because life is hard and it hurts, He doesn’t want to stay. That’s what I live out, so that’s what I actually believe on a functional level.
So I wonder, “What would it be like to hurl every concern, every feeling, every itching, burning ounce of neediness on His back?” What would it look like if I believed and lived out:
He is deeply, personally longing for me—
is lonely for me–
is always coming for me—
always looking for me—
always saying to me, “Where are you?”
What if I actually lived out His love for me and trusted that He would always prefer my confession over my performance… Any. Day.